A Bean-free Life

CoffeeI descend from a long line of coffee drinkers.

On both sides. (And both sides of those sides.)

Dark coffee.

The darkest coffee.

Sludgy coffee.

The sludgiest coffee.

At least that’s what it looks like to me, the token non-coffee drinker.

I didn’t set out to be a teetotaler It just happened that way.

I’ve taken a few sips now and then – sips that were dressed up with as many creamy and sugary accessories within reach.

So basically sugarized French-vanilla creamer with a dash of coffee.

Blecch. In every way.

So why does it smell so good?! So delicious? So delectable? So perfect?

Every time I walk into a coffee shop with one of my coffee-drinking friends, or wake up to the smell of my coffee-drinking husband’s timed brew, or catch a whiff of the beans as they spin through the grinder, I think that surely I must be mistaken. Surely this beverage must be liquid gold. Surely my past poisonous sips have been flukes of brewery shenanigans. Surely, if I gave it just one more chance, I would become a devoted disciple and connoisseur whose entire self shivers with delight as she cradles the mug between her hands, raises it to her lips, shuts her eyes in anticipation, breathes deeply of the heavenly aroma, and then kisses the rim lovingly as the drink of goddesses washes over my tongue, into my soul.


I can’t stand it. I just can’t. I’ve tried it every way I can and – except for very rare occasions when there is absolutely nothing else available to wash down the wedding cake – I have resigned myself to being nothing more than a coffee-breather. A wannabe. A poser. A non-drinking Norwegian-Swedish-German-American. I’m pathetic.

Still, I suppose it could be worse. I could hate diet Coke with crushed ice and a vanilla flavor shot in 32 ounce styrofoam cups from the gas station fountain.




5 thoughts on “A Bean-free Life

  1. Stephanie December 2, 2012 / 7:07 pm

    I love the rich aroma as well and am weirder than you because I only drink doctored decaf. I also have a love for vanilla coke, but in giving up coke all together it is a rare specialty.

    • ckirgiss December 2, 2012 / 9:05 pm

      That’s not weirder. It’s just average weird. And I really need to give up diet Coke. I have in fact made the move to caffeine-free which really, what’s the point? But there you have it: I happily ingest buckets of acidic tastelessness that doesn’t even offer an energy kick. That’s just sad.

  2. Abby December 2, 2012 / 10:29 pm

    I am a coffee-drinker from way back, but I hear you. I have always felt that way. Two things that I am consistently disappointed by regarding the taste-to-smell goodness ratio are coffee and popcorn. Ugh. What an utter travesty. If I could, though, I would camp out on the coffee bean aisle at the grocery store with a book.

    So, are you a tea-drinker at all?

    • ckirgiss December 4, 2012 / 1:01 pm

      Abby – I can drink tea…as long as there’s enough sugar in it. I know – I’m pathetic like that. For me, popcorn offers a pretty significant return on its scent projections. The microwave kind, at least. The theater stuff – which smells heavenly – just tastes like soggy styrofoam. And then makes me sick. There should be a Foodsmell Futures market that tracked the return rate of individual foodstuff. I’d sign up.

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