I was born and raised in the Midwest. I still live in the Midwest. I have no pending plans to leave the Midwest. I love the Midwest for lots of reasons.

But the Midwest does not have In-N-Out Burger.

And the Midwest, as far as I know, is not planning on ever getting In-N-Out Burger.

So I am not holding my breath waiting for this stupendous non-event.

But I am allowing myself to be disappointed because In-N-Out Burger is very good for the soul of people who have a hard time making decisions. People who freeze up in the hair-care aisle. People who are paralyzed by the bread section. People who would rather eat glass than deal with all the tooothpaste, deodorant, margarine, and peanut butter possibilities. People who view extensive restaurant menus with all the joy of extensive dental work. People who want all the details of life to be perfect and so get caught in a tangled web of over-analysis (that, let’s be honest, does not always result in the expected perfect payoff).

Reading labels.

Checking ingredients.

Comparing prices.

Weighing options.

Evaluating relative artistic value of product packaging.

(Approaching self-induced consumer lunacy.)

It’s enough to send a person Over The Edge.

Except at In-N-Out where the options are limited to whether you want your burger (the only sandwich choice) with or without fries (the only side choice). Even taking into account the various hamburger choices – single or double; cheese or not; onions or not; protein-style or bunned – a visit to In-N-Out pretty much boils down to this:

Burger, please. With fries. And a medium drink. And also a sticker. So that I can remember the mental ease of this place. Thank you. The end.