Things I learned while laid out with the flu

(or is it “laid up with the flu”…?)

1. It is, in fact, possible to be sicker than one’s spouse. In run-of-the-mill illness contexts (and contests, which much of marriage is), one is never sicker than one’s spouse, no matter how sick one is, and regardless of which one you are – the really sick one or the other really sicker one. But when laid out with the flu, one is by default sicker than one’s spouse (and one’s children and one’s friends and maybe one’s entire circle of acquaintances), unless one’s spouse is also laid out with the flu, in which case you are both winners. Or losers, as the case may be.

2. Fevers are hallucinogenic. Not being personally familiar with the hallucinogenic qualities of other substances, I can’t speak to the relative quality of flu’s hallucinogenicness. But its quality is really a moot point when one is in a comatose (and also victorious) state of being sicker than one’s spouse.

3. Based on their cumulative-use consistency, tissues are most likely made out of tree-bark. I checked the label to confirm this. I see that the packaging is made from recycled paper; that the tissues themselves are touted as “kind” and “pampering” and “indulgent” (the truth of which ranks right up there with one’s spouse being sicker than oneself when one’s spouse doesn’t have flu), and that these particular tissues are made in the USA from both domestic and imported material. Meaning domestic and imported tree-bark. I also see that the design of this particular tissue box is “Ogee Birch.” My point exactly.

4. One can live without snacking every hour-and-a-half. In fact, one can live without eating anything at all for one, two, even three days. But seriously…snacklessness isn’t fatal…?

5. It’s possible to be more exhausted than one was after giving birth. Naturally. For 16 hours. With no drugs. Who knew?

6. It’s possible to be more achy (I can only assume the relative intensity, mind you) than one would be after a super-extreme-turbo-full-body workout. Which isn’t a good reason to actually do a super-extreme-turbo-full-body workout – “because it’s not as bad as the flu.” Please.

7. It’s possible to live without reading a single page (let alone a whole book) for one, two, even three days. It’s not possible to live well, but it’s possible to live.

8. It’s possible to be so out of things that one doesn’t really notice or mind the taste of throat lozenges. At all. I mean, really?

9. It’s possible to be so not-one’s-self that the world’s greatest candy tastes worse than tree-bark, worse than dirt, worse than something that died and then rolled in something else that died and so now stinks like something that double died.

10. If one can seriously imagine life without Peanut Butter M&Ms … if one’s been bookless for days … if one has contemplated having another child because “it wouldn’t be so very much work” … if one has considered engaging in a legitimate full-body workout because “really, how bad could it be?” … if one’s nasal vicinity resembles shredded tree-bark … well then, one wins.

One is definitely sicker than one’s spouse.

One is finally number one.

Drag oneself out of bed and let the party begin.

4 thoughts on “Things I learned while laid out with the flu

  1. halvnorsk February 17, 2013 / 5:39 pm

    I associate ‘laid out’ with being prepared for burial and ‘laid up’ with storing for future use. So, did you feel like you were dead or just in the deep freeze?

    • ckirgiss February 17, 2013 / 6:22 pm

      Hmmm…that’s a hard one. But I’ll go with “both/and.” Dead. And frozen. Yeah, that’s about right. Until the fever broke. And then I was dead and boiling. The coffin. The freezer. The oven. That pretty much covers it. It’s been a great week.

  2. don constable February 17, 2013 / 7:20 pm

    i laughed out loud. next time get a damn flu shot!

  3. Tyler king February 18, 2013 / 3:43 am

    I am pretty sure the textbook definition of being dead is; 1. not able to enjoy any snacks or food 2. to not be able to read. I would not be capable of living without those two… so I don’t know how you survived. luck perhaps? On the up side though, for the days you where sick you can now make it up by stuffing yourself silly with your favorite food without any consequences! ^^

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